Signs That You Are Not in an Actual Reltaionship WIth Him

Corey Buckner
November 21, 2018

Are you familiar with this situation? The man you are involved with routinely calls you late at night and you have to get out of your bed, get in your car and drive to his house. Then you have to drive yourself back home, alone, later that evening. All this while he stays warm and cozy in his home and his car sits safely in his driveway. If you are in this situation, then don't even bother asking him, "So... what are we?"

For many women, this scenario is all too common and is full of red flags that prove you are not in a relationship with the man you are spending this time with. First and foremost, baring an odd work schedule or something similar; the man that only calls late at night is not prioritizing you. Men prioritize our time in order of necessity and importance to us. While there are things we have to do throughout the day, we squeeze in the things we want during the prime hours of our day. The stuff we care about gets first priority with our time, and this includes contacting the ones we love. If only to say "hi", "how are you", or send you something funny he has seen; these kinds of daytime contacts are evidence that he is thinking of you throughout the day. Lack of this type of contact is proof positive that you are not in his thoughts during the prime hours of his day.

While only contacting you at night is not a guaranteed red flag; the tone of these late night conversations absolutely can be. Why is he calling? Is he calling to check up on you and to hear about your day? Or, are you getting the all too common "WYD" and "are you up" texts? In particular, if these late night conversations routinely descend quickly into attempts to get you to come over and nothing more; then you probably already know the situation you are in with him.

Again, in the context of a larger relationship, if there is other time together outside of the late night, "come on through" hours, this is no big deal. It's only when this is the only time and condition being offered to you that you should doubt that you and he are in an actual relationship. If all you and he do is chat for a few minutes at night about what you are currently doing before you accept his invitation to go over for Netflix and Chill; you are not in a relationship with him. Trust me on that.

Another red flag in this scenario is his lack of effort to protect and convenience you during transport. A man who cares for you will innately take on the role of protector. Furthermore, a man who cares for you will instinctively want to convenience you even at the expense of his own convenience. It's part of our nature; it's a love language almost all men share as a way to show that we care. Allowing you to routinely leave your house late at night and drive yourself over to see him is evidence that he is not feeling these emotions.

Meeks and I both have kids from previous relationships, so we were in a situation where we routinely had to squeeze time in for one another in the late night hours. Initially, because her kids were living with her and mine were not living with me; and because we hadn't introduced our relationship to our kids; we would often hangout at my house. But, I would encourage you to ask Meeks how many times she drove herself over to see me. Even though we lived only a few blocks away from one another, every single time (except for her first visit to my home) I picked her up and dropped her back off at home.

It was my natural inclination to make sure she was safe, especially since she would be returning home well into the night (or the next morning). She initially did not ask me to come and get her, it was my decision to let her know that I would be picking her up and dropping her off. Why? Because I cared about the convenience and well-being of the woman I was in a relationship with. It was important to me that she knew I didn't take her company for granted and that her safety was more important than my convenience. Eventually she did begin asking, "What time will you pick me up tonight," but that was in response to me having always negated her need to drive herself over to see me.

While, in our case, logistically it would have made more sense for Meeks to drive herself over and then back home; it was important for me to place added value on how I felt about her visiting me and us spending time together. I wanted her to never have reason to wonder if I took her time and her visits for granted. I wanted her to know that I knew she was the prize; not me. I wanted her to know that I placed great value and importance on her decision to spend quality time with me. But I also didn't want my woman traveling the streets alone in the middle of the night. Why? Because I cared and we were, in fact, in an actual relationship.

Thinking back on my past, I can admittedly tell you that I was in relationships where I didn't care how the female got to my place, nor did I care how she got home, neither was I going to inconvenience myself to go and pick her up. I didn't care if we talked during the day, and only really talked when I thought about the female visiting me because I was bored or some other reason. Though self-centered; these were not malicious thoughts. They were natural thoughts for a man who was not being motivated by his emotions for the female involved. That version of me, as is with the case with many men, was motivated by my selfish, emotionless wants.

That is what is happening to females who are routinely caught in this situation. While you are motivated by your feelings for him to do whatever you need to do to spend time with him, he is not matching those emotions. You, to him, are simply a means to satisfy his temporary wants. That is why he doesn't text back (unless it's during common visitation hours). That is why he doesn't spend other quality time with you. That is why you all don't do other activities together. That is why he is always too busy for you (except at night of course). That is why you are constantly wondering if you and he are in an actual relationship or not. Because you aren't.

In essence, while you are moving heaven and earth to spend with him at exactly 4 0'clock on Saturday and haave to mysteriously be gone by 6; or whatever exact times he gives you; he is content with either waiting on you to show up like a free meal at his doorstep or not seeing you at all for weeks at a time. He doesn't care how you get there; and he doesn't care how you get home. He doesn't care if he hears from you. He simply does not care, and you deserve to be with someone who does.

If you find yourself in this situation I would caution you to get an understanding from him before you continue. Stop hanging on hoping that what you have is an actual relationship; because in all honestly... that hope is the thread that he knows he is holding you by. You deserve better; even if you have to wait... alone until you get something and someone better. Trust me, there is someone out there who will make you the apple of their eye and the centerpiece of their life.

If you are patient and love yourself enough not to settle, you can find the one who will consider you morning, noon and night. There is someone out there for you who, with his actions and words, will never leave you wondering, "what are we." You only have to love and value yourself enough not to settle for anything less.